We all like basketball

Some girl from Texas read my blog and commented saying "i've never been to indiana. I guess ya'll like basketball up there"

Well, I guess that's true in the same way that all Texans wear cowboy hats, carry six shooters, and ride horses instead of driving cars, and that kind of shit.

Plus, all jews are really good w/ money, all the black folk sell drugs and rape white women, all the mexicans carry knives, and the germans are all still nazis.

Well, I'm from Indiana. I guess I kinda like basketball. I haven't played the game in years, but it was fun while it lasted.

This is all ridiculous

Oh, man, Ha, well, jeeze

Alright, so I was reading over this and I noticed two things... It's really old and I'm completely surprised that I even remembered my password AND most of this shit is pretty stupid. Then there's one more thing, but I don't think I'll talk about that. I did have almost what you would call a coming of age... Here is what I discovered.... a.) I didn't have a coming of age at all and b.) My job kinda sucks, but I can't do much better because I suck as well.

HIPPIES

Ok, finally something new... I haven't been here in a while.... So here it is... A bad story.... but mildly entertaining.

Ok, so I was chillin' in 5th hour and there's this sean kid that sits in front of me that has long hair so I said, "Get a haircut, hippy!" Then he was like, "No, jackass." I, being pissed off that he called me out said, "Yeah, well, why don't you just go smoke some pot and protest a war... fuckin' HIPPY!".... I got him good... then i felt like the jackass collectivist I was becoming, smacked myself in the face and said, "Sean, your name confuses me. There are many different spellings."

No, smoking is bad for you, motherfucker.

I'm tired of people telling me smoking is bad for me. Next time someone tells me that smoking is bad for me I'm going to reply, "Oh really, fucktard? I didn't realize that bringing smoke into my lungs would damage them"

Second senario: It starts off the same w/ the fucktard telling me smoking is bad for me, but this time I will say, "No, smoking is bad for you mother fucker... Come over here and I'll explain what I mean." When he walks over I will stick the lit cigarette in his eye, laugh, and say, "See what I mean. It hurts."

Could I get a # 10?

OK, tonights stories pretty much suck because I don't feel like writing, but I have nothing else to do so here they are as I remember them.


So, I was at the local McDonalds this weekend and I noticed something that has always bugged me. By local, I mean, a McDonald's in West Lafayette. Anyway, I was waiting in line and I heard a kid say, "Could I get a # 10?" What I was thinking was, "Man, what a fucktard." Of course I didn't say anything though because I was thinking of how much it bugs me that people ask for their food.

Some day when I'm working at McDonald's or w/e fast food restaurant I have to work at to support my habits I'm going to unload on an unsuspecting customer when they say "Could I get a # 10." I will cut them off as soon as they say the phrase in question and yell, "No, mother fucker, you can't have a soda-fucking-pop. That's what you get for asking permission fucktard." Then I will walk out in anger forgetting temporarily that I needed that job for money.

Honestly people, you don't have to ask for your food. If you have money, the teenager behind the counter, working for his drug money is your little bitch. Walk in their slap the ho in tha face and say "make me a sandwhich, woman" Even if it's a guy behind the counter.

Ok, here's the story.

Some fucktard tells me about the satanic messages in Stairway to Heavan every time I wear my Zeppelin shirt. Soo... I said, "Hey, did you know there are satanic messages in your mom? Cause every time I fuck her she yells 'Oh, God' and if you play the audio backwards it sounds like 'dog Ho' Soo... she's calling god a backwards dog and a ho."

.

Ok, so I went to the dentist today. And it sucked about as much as it normally does. I waited in the waiting room for about a half hour before they called me back. When I got back there I sat down in the chair as always. The dentist started scraping all the shit off my teeth and poking my gums with sharp wire-like objects. Once she was done doin that and spraying my mouth down with the little hose thingy and sucking the water out w/ the other little hose thingy she rolled around me and said, "I've got mint, vanilla, and chocolate mint." I figured that meant I should make a decison, but being a jackass I waited a little bit pondering this in my head. I was thinking, "Ok, I came here to get my fucking teeth cleaned not to have them candy coated, why the fuck can't I just get some un-flavored cleaning agent. Is it really neccasarry to flavor the fucking tooth polish or w/e the fuck it is. " Then eventually I said, "I'll take mint," figuring that was the least bizarre and therefore most natural flavor to have in my mouth at the dentist's. Then she cleaned my teeth w/ that. When she was done she scraped them some more and at the end said, "Well, your gums are bleeding a little bit, but besides that you're fine." The only thought running through my mind at the time was, "No fucking way. For the last 15 minutes you've been poking my gums w/ that fucking wire you have. Maybe that's the reason they're bleeding." Scooby fucking doo.

You're a fucking role model... Behave

I'm sure every you ever had before highschool told you to behave because "you are a role model to the young kids and they follow your example." Well, I don't know how anyone else reacts to this, but it makes me want to find the kids that are supposedly looking up to me, jump on a table, pull my pants down, and yell as loud as I can "Role fucking model this" Honestly, if there are people stupid enough to look up to me as a role model then I hope I have a bad influence on them. They fucking deserve it.

White Sox game.

Ok, so I went to a Whitesox game on Saturday.(that's baseball)... One thing I noticed that bugged the shit out of me was the people that woiuld always point out the obvious intentions of the team.  Like, "Get a run guys."  Well thanks jackass, I'm sure they aren't trying, maybe they didn't hear you.  Try shooting a gun at your head to get their attention then maybe you can tell them what to do and we can get this game going.  Or maybe, you could set up an intricate trap that would kill all of the fielders so that when the batter hit it there would be not defence.  How about instead of actually yelling words you just yell because I'm sure the point of your yelling was to create noise, in which case, a simple "AHHHHHHHH!!!" would have been sufficient.

Assault w/ an alligator

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5456307/

Quit life

Quit life and start a reggae band.

4th. of July

Next time you light a fire cracker think about the starving children in Somalia who never had fire works. Make sense? Right. Cool.

Wear Brown Socks.

Wear brown socks and if someone asks you why you are wearing brown socks say, "Affirmative action.". Say no more and carry on doing what you were before the question occured.

I suppose it would work for black socks too, but I like the idea of brown socks better

funny joke...

Tell a teacher that you hate him/her and that you are going to rape them in their sleep and sodomize their dog and fart on their cat. Trust me, they'll understand.

BTW... I've come to the conclusion that my driver's ed teacher is a jackass. And he smells funny.

Aunnie is my man.

Aunnie is my man... All you other kids are out of luck.

It Is Not.

Ok, three hours ago (give or take 36 hours) I was chatting w/ a friend when I found myself making a simple three word statement. "It is not." Too late, I realized that I could have shortened this phrase to two words. "It's not." Then having already made a fool of myself I noticed it could have been shortened to "It isn't." Man, I sure shot myself in the foot. Meanwhile, this hermaphodite I was talking to just kept talking despite the important discovery I made. Of course, I didn't tell him, but I think it was implied that something significant happened. It was something physical that happened. I suddenly felt like I was breathing cold air. Determined not to make a fool of myself any more than necessary I did not admit the fact that I had just turned a fan that was pointing at my face on. I passed this off as nothing. I started thinking. If I can shorten "it is not" to "it's not" and "It isn't" then why can't I just say "It'sn't". I came to the conclusion that had I said "It'sn't" Flatface would have found a way to virtually bitch slap me so I decided to keep the idea to myself.... Until now... (ok, this is when the mist should start forming at my feet and I should begin my sane laugh that would soon turn evil and obsessively obnoxious, and the Imperial March would begin and continue in an amazing crescendo until it was loud enough to break windows, but unfortunately I don't live in Hollywood and all isn't going to turn out well. I'll probably die of leukemia and my evil twin will take my idea and make millions of dollars, but what can you do when you don't live in Hollywood?) Ok, so I revealed it to you fooligans on the internet, but it's copyrighted now so eat it bitches.

Ok, here ya go Aunnie

Ok, first of all, I don't know if anyone else got the impression that there was some sort dildo contest or anything to the likes of that, but there isn't. Nothing to the likes were ever mentioned or ever even thought of, but Aunnie, if there was one I'd definitely let you in on it... lol... And, you aren't mentioned because.... you're not cool enough... lol, jk. Umm, well, you haven't done anything memorable around me yet.

Two good/funny quotes

"Whenever you have a couple of hundred thousand human beings involved in any operation, you can rest assured that there will be some absolute jackasses among them"- Thomas Sowell

"Life sucks, get a fucking helmet"- Dennis Leary, No Cure For Cancer

I'm a fuck-cake

Ok, so I went to Wendy's earlier today and my brothers and I were waiting in line. I found it extremely unnecessary for us all to wait in line so I said, "Excuse me, I must worsh my hands." As I walked away, I over heard Matt say, "Did he just say worsh?" I ignored the blatantly ignorant words that were pouring out of his mouth. Honestly, what was he thinking. Of course I said worsh. Remember, I lived in Tennessee until a year ago? Well, that's not the point. The bathroom was one of those public restrooms that's only meant for one person and you're supposed to lock the door while you're using it. Well, a few seconds after I walked in I noticed an old man on the crapper and I exclaimed, "Oh shit, sorry about that," I spoke only to occupy my mouth, and he said, "Oh, it's no problem, carry on..." I was thinking, well, it would be rude if I didn't stay now because I already saw the man on the can trying to push a log out his ass and he did tell me to stay. As I said before, I only went to the bathroom to wash my hands so I turned on the faucet, which projected the water at an unnecessaryily high velocity. I got my hands wet and squeezed some soap on them when I realized I really had to take a piss. So, I rinsed the soap off and dryed my hands so I wouldn't get my private areas all wet, and I went over to the urinal, and relieved my bladder. I then had to wash my hands again, all the while this older male is still pushing that log through. I dryed my hands and left saying as I walked out the door and jokingly said, "Hey man, good luck w/ that shit."

parallel parking can be fun too... just give it a chance

Ok, so I went into town last night to practice parallel parking with my mom. My first try sucked... as did the next three, but by the fifth time I tried it I did a decent job. About the seventh or eighth time I was pulling into a spot when I noticed a lady in her forties walking by on the sidewalk with a smile on her face. This wasn't the customary, "Brad, you're so hot, take your pants off now" type smile. It was more like, "He He, giggle like school children, this kid's learning how to parallel park, I better run to my spot so he doesn't hit my car" type smile. Or it could have been the, "Hey, I remember sixty-five years ago when I was learning how to parallel park. If you think this is hard, try doing it with a horse and buggy." Anyway, I thought this was worth mention.

Yo, this is a work in progress...

Ok, this is my little freestyle I made up in the wee hours of the morning after a night of smoking and drinking... It might have been funnier then because we were all buzzed pretty much the whole night.  Laughs were easy to come by at this hour so I don't expect this to make anyone laugh, but it might.

Yo... Yo... Yo.......Yo..Yo...Yo,(6x)
I was born in the ghetto
Yo yo yo yo,
I'm the pimp w/ all the ho's.
yo, fuck the man,
bitch, I'll draw on his face w/ a crayon.
Yo, check this shit out,
yo yo yo yo yo


Ya, I wish I was black

Good fun...

Man, Amber's party at the Ramada inn last night was good fun. Too much happened for me to remember all of it, but I will fill you in on some key moments. I think one of the funnier moments occured at about 3 am. Amber was goin a little crazy with the ice and stuck an ice cube down my pants. Naturally, I kept it there for about twenty seconds because understandably, it gets really hot in my pants so an ice cube once in a while feels good. After about twenty seconds, I declared, "My hands are in my pants," and grabbed the ice cube. I then walked over to amber and rubbed it in her face and she took it and stuck it in Matt, her boyfriends mouth. Good fun... Good fun. TBC... I'm fuckin tired.

Courtney love sucks like 3 asians and a hoover.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/music/3801031.stm

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5164349/

AHHH, what about our 8th. ammendment?

Come on people, they say "In imposing the unusual sentence" right in the article... Well... Kray Z people...

Judge Mike Peters said, "She's going to get more than her horses got."

So that's how we base our punishment in this legal system... Well I'm thinkin Mr. J. Rapist is in for a surprise then... LMAO, I hope he "gets more than his horse." If ya catch my drift... Well, it's a funny read either way...

Today's youth...

Ok, so last night I went to Amber's softball game, which I saw none of. Apparently they won though... I think they actually won by the ten run rule after having been beat by it in all of the previous games. I rolled up in my minivan listening to softcore hits. As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed Sommer and Jessie walking over toward the jungle gym with some strange miniature being. Apparently they call those things kids... Well, I thought it would be funny if I drove by them and exclaimed, "I'm Rick James, bitches," as I smakced them in the faces. On second thought, it would have been downright hilarious... As they might say in the hood, "That's off the chain, yo." I also figured that it would be very inappropriate and a bad thing to do in general... After pondering the choices, I decided to just park the van and let my mother slide into the drivin chair so she could get outta that place. I then walked over to the jungle, cautiously, as to slip past the ninjas undetected. I walked over there and said "Hey, Kidz." Please note that I did pronounce kids with a "z" and not an "s". We watched the child that they were supporting run around and go ape shit on that jungle gym for a while. Then flat face arrived... The first thing he said to me was, "Hey, do you have any weed?" I said, with a grin on my face, "No, I don't participate in your illegal activities" So we sat there and made funnies at the expense of others for a while... Flat face and I were on a roll... We had insults left and right. After a few minutes, Sommer noticed that some kids were picking on another kid at the jungle gym so she told us. "Ok, go for it mom," I replied. She then went over and said, "Stop picking on him, you're gonna make him cry." "Yeah, that'll show them." Then I jokingly said, "Why don't you tell the kid that's getting picked on to rape the other kids?" Then she actually yelled, "Rape him, Rape him." This sent the kids into a frenzy yelling rape and hitting each other. Sommer and Jessie walked up to the softball field embarrassed. Flat Face and I eventually suppressed our laughter and followed them.

TBC...

Ok, funny story, there's this kid named Billy that is always at the games and always follows us around... Well, he's really annoying and we all hate him so the last two games everyones basically been telling him to fuck off cause we hate him... Last time he grabbed Jessie's ass and tried to lick her face. Sooo... at the game on Wednesday our jokes and shit got even worse... Flat Face started throwing this stick and telling him to go get it. Well, naturally after he threw it one of the times we ran, well Jessie and Sommer did at least. Flat Face and I just sort of walked away... He eventually caught up with us in the woods where I slipped on some sticks and said, "This game is fucking dangerous. Whoever the fuck invented this sport needs to go to hell." That being said, it is worth mention that Billy was swinging on vines and talking about beating off coyotes again. Well, we were getting pretty pissed off so when he came back Flat Face said, "Billy, I'm gonna give you two dollars to go away and never come back again." Billy accepted the offer and left. Well, that's the end of that chapter, or so I thought. Jessie said she felt bad... I said something to the effect of, umm, this kid grabbed your ass and tried to lick your face last week and you feel bad that we paid him to fuck off? Well, that went unanswered. BTW, I hope that deal had a lifetime warranty. It should work though, cause Flat Face told him that if he ever bothered us again he would punch him in the face and take the money back... LMAO... that's a riot... Flat Mr. Peace Face punching someone in the face... Well, that's the end of this story.

What are the chances?

I made a new game that I call "What are the chances?" It's a really fun game to play in crowded areas such as the softball game I was at last night. The rules are simple. First you check some sources to find some random statistic such as rape or murder or something... Then, while with friends, you casually ask, "Hey, what are the chances that dude wants to rape me?" Then they take some guesses which are, for the most part, ridiculous. After a while of humoring them, you need to exclaim "Wrong! This experiment further proves my hypothesis that you suck at life. The chance that that man will rape me is 1 in 12... For example, for those of you that don't understand probability, if I lined up 12 men, the statistics say that 1 of them should want to rape me." This game is great. I haven't tried it yet though... I will soon

Happy Birthday, A-Funk

Michael Moore is a fat, blubbery, lying piece of shit.

http://bowlingfortruth.com/
candy 'n feet and a lot of sex.

Man, I'm a fucktard

Ok, so I went to Family Video today. Those fucktards didn't have anything I wanted to see so I left empty handed... On the way out I noticed these two strange children holding hands and skipping towards the door. As they approached the door I realized that they weren't holding hands, skipping, nor were they by any means children. They were old. The guy looked like he was a Gangsta back in the day though so I figured I should hold the door for an older brotha... So I lingered holding the door for the old man who had the appearance of being in his twenties, possibly fresh out of high school. He gave me a strange look, so I was thinking, "uh yeah, fuck you too." Then as he walked past me, I realized that, like the jackass that I am, I was holding the fucking exit door open for him. I was like, "Hey, buddy that was a joke. Ya know? like Ha Ha, He He style." Then I busted out the oldman laugh (thanks for that one molemonkey) and fell on the ground laughing like an old man who fell off his rocker while tripping.

Ok, I finally changed my settings

Ok, I finally changed my settings so anyone can post comments so feel free to leave comments. BTW... The world will be mine some day. Mrs. Sherrick and Lindsey already know it so that leaves just over 6 billion people who will be suprised by my victory. Oh, General Frye knows it too. So does General Custard, and maybe Wookie... possibly K C but I think that's about it. Sara knows too cause she's my side kick. Umm... Amber, Sommer, Chadd, and Jessie might also know because they're in the KZKK.



I guess all you Kray Z Kidz know now too.

Ya know what? Cold's are fucktards. That's right I went there, they're fucktards.

Well, umm... I don't think I can really expand upon that. I guess I could use a form of emotional appeal and say that the common cold is killing people with AIDS every day. Or ethical appeal, Cold's are morally unjust and illegal. The virus also invades private property, that being the body, but because that argument may be faulty for people such as prostitutes who invite people into their bodies, I could also say that cold's are gay and they want to get married which is illegal in most states. That's right, bitches, I went there. Here's some logical appeal, They're just damned annoying and not fun at all to have around.

check this shit out...

http://special.msn.com/weeklyreader/


"The U.S. Constitution's 26th Amendment guarantees that any U.S. citizen 18 or older can vote. But some lawmakers in California recently tried to push the voting age there even lower. The measure is called Training Wheels for Citizenship. It would give 16- and 17-year-olds one-half of a vote. Fourteen- and 15-year-olds would get one-quarter of a vote. Do you think that proposal is a good idea?"

Don't we already have enough ignorance in the system? Honestly, this is terrible... I think we should raise the voting age to... People who have an idea of what's going on and won't be swept up by jackasses like John Kerry and George Bush... Which reminds me... It's been a while since we've had a good president. I think FDR was the last good one. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... ya, I know that wasn't funny. I thought it had potential though.


"Impress your friends: Talk all about Thomas Jefferson"

Is that all it takes to impress third graders now? Back when I was in third grade, it was the kid with the biggest dick or something stupid like that.


"Week of June 1, 2004


Which recent president do you most respect?
President George W. Bush
President Bill Clinton
None of the above


Click here to see results."


Honestly, is there anything to respect in either of them?


Here's the k-2 poll. All I can say is LMFAO

"Where Should the President Eat?
Traveling all over the United States can make a president hungry. Which place do you think he should eat at the most?

Week of June 1, 2004


When traveling around the country, which place should the president eat at the most?
at fancy restaurants because he has plenty of money
at fast food restaurants because he is so busy
in his room at his hotel because he can wear pajamas




"When the president travels around the country, which of these places should he defintely visit?
schools, so he can see how much kids are learning
hospitals, so he can see how people are cared for
government building, so he can see how towns and cities are run





See the results without voting"

Honestly, what's the point? Where the fuck is the punch line?

General Frye saved my life.

Ok, so this story took place on a stormy day in June... Well, actually it was sunny and it was May...

It happened last Thrusday, but I just remembered about it today. General Frye and I were walking to school and I was sort of out of it and nearly walked in front of a car so General Frye yelled, "Commander Brad, Stop!." Then exactly 3.1415926535897932 seconds later a car drove by... He saved my life by not letting me get hit by a car.... I think the government should give him a badge of bravery or something...

School's Out For Summer

Well, we got no choice
All the girls and boys
Makin' all that noise
'Cause they found new toys
Well, we can't salute ya
Can't find a flag
If that don't suit ya
That's a drag

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Well, we got no class
And we got no principles
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks
Out for summer
Out 'til fall
We might not go back at all

School's out forever
School's out for summer
School's out with fever
School's out completely




What would we do without Alice Cooper?

Kray Z Weekend

So, I went to my cousins house in Peoria (it's in Illinois). Yeah, that was fun. We arrived on the doorstep of a house vaguely resembling a castle. Upon our arrival we were greeted by a crazy woman named Amy, who claimed to be my cousin... not the cousin I remember.. *shakes fist angrily.* Our arrival time was exactly 2:34 p.m. central time zone.(The clock in our car struck 2:34 as we pulled into the driveway, and we have the most precise clock known to mankind.) Upon arrival, this character, who I will refer to as Amy, showed us through her house and pointed out the problems that we would have to fix while we were there. My dad made a list of stuff he needed as she pointed stuff out. After the tour, I sat down in the living room and played the guitar that was waiting to be played. I played that shit up... 'cept it was wildly out of tune. I had to curb my anger and refrain from bitch slapping that guitar. I calmly searched for a tuner because unlike Karthik, I don't have the eyes of a fox and cannot tune it by ear. Maybe it's because the bitch never showed me how to tune w/ harmonics. Well, I'll show that foreign kid... I didn't find one and by the time I was tired of looking and bugging amy to find it, those Kray Z kidz(my parents, amy, and my older brother were ready to go to lowes. Lowes was pretty boring until we started looking at the lights. We were looking at some recessed lights for amy's kitchen when some dude, with annoyingly blonde hair and a lisp came up in our grill and asked if he could help us.(for future reference I will refer to him as Mr. Garrison) My dad was looking at some lights and couldn't figure out how they attatched to the ceiling so he asked Garrison how they attatch to the ceiling. Mr. Garrison proceded to take the light from my dad, lift it above his head so the light part was pointing down, and say, "It goes in like this." Well, thanks, jackass, you've been a real fucking help. We got kicks outta that one for the rest of the night. We returned at a quarter after five. I played guitar for about 15 minutes before Tim came home... Then, I played for 45 more. Then I went to sleep and ate cookies.

Sunday was Kray Z. On Sunday, My dad and Tim finished up a electric project and we went to play frisbee golf... We stopped by a sporting goods store to buy the frisbees for the game and on our way out we heard a tornado siren. The weather didn't seem to be too bad so we headed over to the course. We played about 12 holes with out any incident, but when we got the the 13th. the rain started coming down harder and harder. It was pouring by the time we finished the hole so we started running back to the car. We all ended up thoroughly soaked by the time we ran the mile back to the car. We arrived home to find Amy and my mother in the basement heeding the tornado warnings. They yelled at us saying they were scared shitless and all that jazz.

Then today was pretty boring, but I did get a couple good hours of guitar playing in...

Hmm... Kray Z Kidz

Well, I had to expect it, being that I was going to a Revival. Revive this bitch *grabs sack*. Well, I went to a revival the other day, lemme tell you all about it Kidz. First of all, I got there like ten minutes early and no one was there. About 15 minutes after I got there Amber showed up and we talked about meteors that will eventually turn into fish. Then three other Kraay Z Kidz showed up. Sommer, Jessie, and Chadd rolled up in an escalade(not really,i just thought it would sound cooler). Then Chad got there and went inside where all the old people were. We went to the back and sat on the roof and those Kraay Z Kidz enjoyed a smoke while I told a joke. So anyway, we had to put it out before we were done cause some old person came to the back of the building. That was interesting. We then decided it was our time to join the old people. Upon picking a couple seats in the back, we discovered that we were not wanted.... in the back at least. Those bitches made us sit in the front... The lecturer was fucking insane. He told all these jokes. There was one especially funny one. It went something like this, "The lord, Jesus Christ is coming back." I laughed my ass off, silently of course, being that it wasn't one of those jokes that you're supposed to laugh at. Usually after a lame joke(the type that is supposed to draw laughs) he would proclaim, "Can I get an amen brother?" to break the akward silence. Then some old jackass in the back never failed to support the jerk up front and say "Amen, Bro." No, you can't, you stupid piece of shit. You've been saying stupid shit all day and getting amen's all fucking day. I'm not going to give you one just because you're an asshole and told a lame joke. Fuck I wish I had the crickets chirping sound effect. That would have been priceless. By the way, what is with old men's laughs. Is it something that comes w/ age or something? I've tried and tried to laugh like an old man, but it just doesn't work. Molemonkey can laugh like an old man though... but he doesn't count because he's got a chess piece in his mouth. Apparently the belly laugh is one of those things you get when you turn 65. Then during closing he asked all of us sinners to bow our heads, which I did for fear of looking like a jackass. He then told us sinners to raise our right hand and ask the "lord" for forgiveness. I nearly busted out laughing as I nearly said "FUCK YOU, YOU OLD FUCK." Of course neither happened but the thought was there. What a fucktard that man was. Then, while everybody else had raised their hand and did their voodoo shit or whatever I still hadn't done it because I don't need forgiveness from some old man in the sky. The old kid in front kept giving somewhat subtle hints that I should raise my hand. He said stuff like, "Will the male teengaer with long hair in front please raise his right hand." Then after a moment of akward silence he would give more hints like, "You know who you are. About 6' tall and 140#'s. Hazle eyes and a Kurt Cobain shirt. You're wearing blue jeans." "Well, thanks jackass, apparently even though I knew you were talking about me, you had to fully describe me.(slight exageration) I was just too busy suppressing the fucking laughter to listen to you ramble on about forgiveness and all that other bullshit."

Fucktard

that's fresh... I haven't heard that one in a while. Holy shit, that's fucking awsome. Watch out world, I found my new insult.

Van Helsing

This movie sucked hardcore. It had about the joined sucking power of a Hoover and 3 Vietnamese whores. First of all, it was just a generic storyline(plot). The good guy does something completely unrelated to the story to show his character. He then goes to talk to his boss who gives him the important mission that is going to take two hours to complete compared to the 7 minutes it took to complete the opening mission.(sounding like James Bond to any of you?). Aparrently they didnt' even want to create any original characters either. They just took some comic book/video game characters and put them in the generic storyline with some flashy graphics(to impress the youngins.) and dialogue full of cliches. The whole damn movie was a cliche. Sooo... in general, Van Helsing sucked.

OK, we stole it, so fuck us.

Yeah, Amber and I stole the handshake that Jack Black and the uncool kid in School of Rock did. Yeah, we stole it, so fuck us. At least we're cool enough to have a handshake, fuckers.

Amber's fucked up Day.

The title is completely irrelevant but this is the story is about a cashier of an undisclosed ethnic background. I traveled to Michigan City today and stopped at a Pizza Hut Express/Taco Bell where I ordered a number 2 w/ cheese and cinnamon sticks.(Mexican Pizza) It ended up being something like $5 but that's irrelevant. The thing is when I went back up the get more cinnamon sticks. The total was 94 cents. The problem was the cashier of an undisclosed ethnic background told me it was 94 cent. I heard what she said but I, being the jackass that I am, asked her what she said. she said, "That'll be 94 cent." I asked again, "What did you say?" She replied, "94 cent," Realizing it was a lost cause, I just gave the cashier of an undisclosed ethnic background a dolla dolla bill. she then said, "6 cent will be your change." Oh man, I was about to jump up on the counter, pull my pants down, and declare my independence. Luckily for the world I did not.

Yo, what up homies

ok, as always Tim and I secret agented throught the computer lab after lunch. They never saw it coming. I got the white and the fire for next friday and General Frye should be getting the green soon. Funny story about Design. Matt yelled something about mary ja wana really loud and Whitie was like, "Matt, What was that" Matt replied, "I don't know it just came out." I then asked matt, "Young man, do you kiss your mother with that mouth." "Yes," he replied. I seeing this situation for what it really was said, "Hey everybody, Matt kisses his mom. Throw some pencils at him." No one threw pencils, but man, i could feel the tension building. Matt was like the volcano that was ready to explode. During break time, General Tim and I were about to dump the trash can in the stall Matt was in and everything was set up perfectly, but Whitie had to walk in and bust that shit up. Then, in an effort to put the blame on matt, I yelled, "Don't you go wild at that Van Halen concert young man." "Yessir," matt replied. The interesting part of the day really started at like 3 though. Amber and I were sitting, waiting for Kyle to get back from the library when amber started cleaning out her book bag. She had some caffine pills. I took two. When I started to feel the effects of it, I decided to counter it with some chill pills.(prozac) You could say, as Trent Reznor did, "Didn't turn out the way you wanted it to? Did it?" Well, no in fact it did not. It just gave me a really bad headache and made me dizzy as fuck. We then travelled to Chad's house where we watched School of Rock (awesome movie). That got over at like 5:30, which is when Amber's mom came. Chad had left so it was just Kyle, Amber, and me. Well, amber and I went upstairs to talk and Amber's mom knocked and came in. She seemed kind of pissed and was doing some Charlie Brown detective shit. We talked to her for about five minutes before she asked where Kyle was and why he had'nt come up yet. So we called kyle up and he asked why and Amber's mom is like, "I just wanted to make sure you're dressed." (Kyle and Amber are going out and it was just me kyle and amber there.) Kyle came up, with his clothes on and she's like, ok, i'm going to get something to eat. So she left and soon after Chad came home. Chad and all the other characters drove out to the grange. With no room in that car, I just decided to ride w/ Kyle. Kyle had to pick shannah up so we drove out to Kesling Park. We arrived at 6 and I had to take a mad yes(family guy reference)... So, I went into the area where they collect body waste and emptied my bladder. We then walked over to the soccer fields to cheer Shannah on. We had about a half hour until the practice was over.) So, we sat and watched those kids play soccer. Shannah took some dude out, it was pretty kickass. When that was over the headache from the mixed pills had worn about worn off. We drove out to the grange where I took the pain killer that I had also gotten from Amber's backpack. That fucker sucked, it's still making me shake and shit. That's all I want to write now, so whateva, i do what i want

Hey, funny story.

So today I found out I'm a stalker. Anyway, I've gotta ride the fucking bus tomorrow.

5/17/04

A rather uneventful day... except for lunch, of course. Lunch is never boring though so that hardly counts. Biology was also semi-amusing. Story Time... So I walk into biology as I always do, and this strange man grabbed me by the throat and threw me around the room... luckily with my secret agent powers I was able to escape his prying gaze. It turns out it was just Spitz and his grabbing my neck was merely a figment of my imagination. so as usual, I gave him the thumbs up. Half way through the class I asked him if he's ever heard the story about the missing turnip... and he said yes... Questions were running through my head: was it in a message from god? Was he the real creator of the turnip trilogy? Is the turnip a figment of my imagination and he's bluffing? To test the latest question I asked him to tell me the story, to which he replied, "You go first." "I know it I just wanna see if you know it I replied," I said. This argument went on in typical kindergarden fashion for years... or was it just a few seconds? Ya Neva Know. Sooo... eventually I cracked and told him the story and he told me that General Frye told him years ago(well, actually it was just days) "GENERAL FRYE'S IN YOUR CLASS!" I exclaimed. He said, "no, Tim Frye is in my class." That was the end of that.

note: exageration may occur in the above tale

The Wedding Reception

So, I went to a wedding reception today to work as a caterer dude and let me just say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. So, first we were just fucking around and there was really nothing to do so Amber and I went out and sat in her mom's car until her mom yelled at us and told us "that we weren't being paid to sit in a car." We then went inside, where, as predicted, there was nothing for us to do. So apparently we were being paid to stand around doing nothing, but it is forbidden to sit in a car and do nothing. So after standing around for a while doing nothing the reception started and we started serving food to people. I got the baked beens, which were at the back which means when people got to me of course there was either only one spot or no spots left on their plates. Apparently some of them still needed to tell me where to put it. "Put it right there buddy." I'm thinking, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you are a jackass. Where the fuck else would I put the damn beans." Then there were the people who tried to get special orders. "Hey little man, can you get some of the dry beans and some of the wetter ones and mix them together for me." "Ahhhhhhh, fuck you people, this is a fucking wedding reception. I'm not gonna mix your fucking this with your that." Then there are the people that don't understand that you only get half the beans that are on the spoon cause they get stuck so don't give me shit. "Oh, little boy, I don't want that many beans." Ahhhhhhh FUCK YOU. The positive side though is, I got a few small cups of special jello and $20. Then there are always gonna be the people who after I said "Would you like some baked beans?" They say "I don't want any beans." Isn't a simple no enough. Ahhh, I have to serve about 85 more people you don't need to tell me the whole fucking story. Well, now that that's out there. I must seem like a bitter person. I'm really not, incompetence just really bugs me.

Not to mention, the number of people who had to tell me it's all going to the same place any way. The first time it was pretty funny cause this old lady put barbecue sauce on her mashed potatoes because she thought it was gravy. (I'm not gonna go into the fundemental differences of gravy and barbecue sauce.) So, anyway, she put the barbecue sauce on her potatoes and I couldn't hold back the laughter. Unfortunately, someone else told her that it wasn't gravy before she ate it. Man, can you imagine what the look on her face woulda been like if she had eaten those potatoes thinkin they had gravy on them. That's not the point though, the point is she started a chain reaction of "It's all going to the same place" People around the world were saying it.

What a relief

That's a relief. I didn't die of bananna poisoning.

Some random thing I said.

I don't remember what context I said this in but apparently people thought it was pretty funny.

'This is a long and perilous journey I am venturing on, and I may not make it back alive, but if I am back in one piece there will be hell to pay. Not one child unraped, one taxpayer dodging deadlines, not one fisherman sticking his poll in the water.'

The Tall Guys and the Midget

The Tall Guys & The Midget


There were these tall guys and they were looking for a midget so they looked down and there he was.

This one's all General Frye

The Missing Turnip Trilogy

The Missing Turnip I

There once was a turnip named Jimbo. One day a gopher took the turnip and some cracker yelled "Ahhhhhhh, The Turnip is Missing" That cracka sunnovabitch went looking for the missing turnip, but he didn't know that the gopher left some of the turnips seeds so a new one grew and the missing turnip turned up.

by,

General Tim and Grand Masta Brad

The Missing Turnip II

Once upon a time, there was a turnip. It was missing because a bird ate it, but the bird pooped out the seeds and a new one grew so the missing turnip turned up.

General Frye and Grand Masta Brad


The Missing Turnip pt. 3

Once there was a turnip and a sumo wrestler sat on it and the turnip disappeared into his crack. Then the fat guy farted and the turnip shot out and hit a 65 year old man in the face. The turnip went right down the dudes throat and out his asshole so the missing turnip turned up.

General Frye and Grand Masta Brad

In The News

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040504/ap_on_fe_st/crybaby_award_1

Chuckle chuckle chuckle giggle giggle giggle laugh laugh laugh guffaw guffaw guffaw. I can think of some kids that definitely should be given this award. One goes by the name of Timmy Lisak. I won't mention any last names though.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20040514/wl_nm/brazil_lula_dc_3

Whaddya know, another country stifling freedom of speech and press.

The story behind my original site and why I moved it.

The Story Behind My Site


Well, the story about this site really is funny. You see, one day I was playing baseball with Sammy Sosa and I said "You steroid pumpin, wife beating piece of shit." He told me in a funny accent that has yet to disappear, "Me does it for ve basevball." I said, "So the war is on, now I'm going to have to create a web page to tell this story." (Note that this information could very well be a lie, but I'm not going to just come out and say that. That'd take away from the suspense. I cannot be held responsible for my actions.) So that's how this website came about... or is it? Three years later,(today) I remembered this strange encounter with a wife beater and I said "Dog gonnit(I don't really say that in real life. It just adds to the effect of the memory), I never made that web site." So I got off the phone and made up a new song that went a little like this, "I've gotta write a story, oh yeah, i've got write a story about a wife beater." Sooo... I got out of the car I was in,which apparently was still moving) jumped on top of a tall man's head, took my pants off and declared my independence from The US of A. I made my own country called Utopia and lived happily ever after. Unfortunately, being the kind of person who isn't content with sappy Hollywood endings, I married an Ass and contracted AIDS, which killed me soon after, bringing me to my reincarnation, which will be discussed later.

I decided today, to move my shit because in two days my other site will have a banner and annoying popups just because I'm not willing to pay to keep them from doing that shit. The main reason though, is that other site was too goddamn restrictive. the bitch had all the templates layed out for me and wouldn't let me move shit around or create new shit.

Canada

CANADA, you're mine.

As a few of my colleagues already know back in the late 80's I began work on a method of mind controll that would give me the ability to make others conform to my beliefs or the way in which I wanted them to act. I began my mission on a man named William Clinton aka Bill Clinton (or as I will to refer to him Dixie Crack Clinton.) (I've gotta give Zach De La Rocha props for Dixie Crack Clinton.) As many of my colleague already knew, the thought process I put into his head was communism. Unfortunately, my expieriment was in the shitter before it started because my colleagues didn't tell me that Dixie Crack Clinton was already a communist. With that in the shitter, I decided to give up for a while, and now over a decade later I will try again. This time Canada will be the victim.